


Absurdity

by ketsu (orphan_account)



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Caliginous Romance | Kismesis, M/M, POV Dirk Strider, POV Second Person, tense-shifting for fun and profit
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-06-13
Updated: 2013-06-13
Packaged: 2017-12-14 20:15:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,813
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/840938
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/ketsu
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Humans are so very. Very. Very. Stupid.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Absurdity

**Author's Note:**

> This is a fill for [this](http://hs-worldcup.dreamwidth.org/3493.html?thread=1176485#cmt1176485) prompt in Bonus Round 1 of the Homestuck Shipping World Cup.
> 
> You can still tell from the pseud and the author's note who wrote this, but I'm orphaning this work just because the more I think about it, the less pleased I am with it. But I don't want to delete it because it has kudos and bookmarks, so I can tell people liked it. This is just me being an overachiever, I guess! Haha.

You can't breathe. Dave's standing in front of you, arms outstretched, his back wide and protective like that goddamn anime trope that you always thought was cheesy as fuck but now it's all you can think of. He coughs and a splatter of blood lands on the floor at his feet.

"You fucking--" That's all you get out. You don't know what else to say.

"Sorry, bro," he says weakly. "Body moved on its own. It's all up to you."

  


* * *

  


You and Jane found Rose and Kanaya's bodies in Rose's bedroom in the pre-scratch Lalonde residence on LOLAR. They were soaked in blood, bullet wounds riddling their bodies. The two of you stared at them for several minutes, wishing fervently that Rose at least would start glowing and return to life the way you knew she should, but she didn't. Jane was the one who realized it must have been a hero's death. That she must have gone out trying to protect Kanaya. 

So Jane and Jade engaged in the righteous Crocker-Harley family tradition of corpse stuffing, and you held a funeral complete with one warning made explicit to all who remained: _Watch your backs, and try not to be a fucking hero if you can avoid it_. 

  


* * *

  


Over the course of the last week or so, it struck you how contrived all of this was. People sacrificing themselves for one another when they goddamn didn't _have_ to. You like to think you'd have been less of an idiot if you'd been in any of their places, but you really can't say for sure one way or the other. That's the funny thing about hindsight.

Dave's body crumples, and now there's nothing standing between you and the cherub. 

You grit your teeth and snarl. He grins.

  


* * *

  


Of course, you were all nothing if not fucking heroes, and so Roxy, Jane and Terezi were next, taken out after they'd teamed up to try and solve the crime. Not at first, of course; they had several days to gather evidence and form hypotheses which amounted to jack fucking squat. It wasn't even some cliche where they found out too much and had to be taken out. They made no progress and they were still fucked. From the positioning of their bodies when WV found them on Derse, it seemed likely that Roxy and Jane had leapt in front of Terezi when they'd been shot at. Of fucking course. You smiled sardonically when you heard the news. It was the only thing you could do to keep yourself from screaming.

  


* * *

  


"Did you like. How I disposed of the bitches first?" His voice is surprisingly high-pitched for a megalomaniacal serial-killing teenage boy. He places unnatural pauses in his sentences, stopping to draw breath where he shouldn't need to. "You're better off without them. And without those other bumbling idiots, too. They knew they would die. And how to avoid dying. But they still did it." He laughs, then adds, "You're so much better off without them."

"Man, shut up." You surprise yourself by managing to keep your voice relatively level. "I know you want to kill me, so what's stopping you?"

He levels his machine gun at you. "Shut your trap. Strider human. I'm savoring the moment."

  


* * *

  


Speaking of WV, as he was the only member of your rag-tag little band of misfits who could maneuver unnoticed on Derse (Roxy's Void powers were needed to shield Jane and Terezi, which obviously worked out spectacularly), he'd been put in place as an undercover agent. That's how he was able to stumble across the hapless detective duo, and that's how he got word that the fish bitch might know something about the murders. You'd suspected her from the beginning, of course, but you needed more. It was insanely fucking dangerous to go storming her castle. You'd need the aid of the Prospitian military if you wanted any hope of succeeding, and while the White Queen was sympathetic to your cause, she needed evidence before she would aid you. 

Your little spy left a message in a Trollian memo that he would be back shortly with that evidence. Not long after that, a bright magenta package was delivered to you by a Prospitian mailwoman.

It contained WV's head, and a card oversaturated with glitter bearing a message that simply read "XOXO".

  


* * *

  


Maybe if you keep him talking you can buy yourself some time. You're not an idiot, you know you'll come back because there's no way you're dying a heroic death, but there will be a period of time in which you're unable to act, and you can't allow that to happen.

"But you didn't get them all, did you?" you point out. "You lost one of 'em to the Batterwitch. Congratulations, you totally suck."

"Who do you think. Was pulling her strings? Haa haa, do you like that, Strider? A puppet metaphor. Just for my favorite bro."

"We're not bros."

He ignores you. "And besides. The NPC wasn't part of my plan. I couldn't care less. Who did the honors when it came to him. But you, on the other hand."

  


* * *

  


WV's obvious death at the hands of none other than Her Imperious Condescension provided the impetus Prospit needed. Prospit's numbers had dwindled after Jack Noir's assault on the planet and its moon, but Derse's population had been decimated as well by the Dignitary's Red Miles all those months ago, so they were more or less on even footing. 

Still, something bothered you. The first two deaths had been on LOLAR, and while you knew the Condesce had agents she sent out to do her dirty work on occasion, it didn't sit right. It didn't seem her style. So even now, when all her attention should have been focused on the war, you insisted that there be no funny business among those who remained of your group. No leaping in front of a barrage of bullets to protect one another. Most of you would revive if shot; Karkat wouldn't, but even he agreed that one death was better than two.

You got the impression he was being sarcastic, but you also didn't care.

Unsurprisingly, John and Karkat were the next to go. Even after your repeated warnings, John rushed into his burning house on LOWAS to rescue Karkat from the flames.

As the ashes of the structure smoldered, hours later, you received your first real clue as to the perpetrator's identity: When viewed from above, there was a clear pattern left unburnt, small areas that spelled out the words _HAA HAA. HEE HEE. HOO HOO._

  


* * *

  


"But me, on the other hand? Don't just trail off without finishing your sentences, bro."

"I thought you said we weren't bros."

You ignore him. "What about me? You can't kill me, not for good. I'm not gonna throw away my immortality."

"I know you aren't. You're not stupid. Not like those moronic weaklings. You called friends." His eyes flicker from you down to Dave's corpse; for a moment you think you've got an opening, but then he's looking at you again and he fires a warning shot. You freeze.

  


* * *

  


You couldn't come up with a satisfactory combination. Jake was loyal and protective to a fault; he would give his life to protect any one of the three of you who remained, even knowing how stupid it was. Jade was similar, from what little you'd observed of her. You still didn't know Dave well, but from what you knew of his post-scratch incarnation it wasn't a huge leap to imagine that he was a huge damn hero. You were sure you could keep yourself from being an idiot around any of them, but they were all liabilities.

So you suggested that the four of you split up until you solved the mystery. If there was no one to protect, the likelihood of a heroic death was minimized.

Or so you thought, until Jade found Jake's body on LOMAX. "i dont know how it happened :(" she informed you over Pesterchum. Was the person responsible somehow able to circumvent the rules of god-tier resurrection? You thought you knew who was responsible, but there was no way that guy had that kind of power. Was there?

You still urged Jade and Dave to remain apart, but it was a futile gesture. In an outcome you should have seen coming miles away, they met up, and the killer came for them, killing Jade when she leapt in front of Dave.

"it was fuckin stupid but i thought she had a plan," he told you afterward. "figured shed do her spacey teleporting shit and send those bullets right back at him"

"But she didn't?"

"i dont think she had time"

  


* * *

  


Which left you and Dave. He survived the encounter and reported to you, and it was as you suspected. A machine gun wielder, ruthlessly exploiting the laws governing resurrection. Short, green, with a head like a skull.

And now it's just you, staring down the barrel of his gun, and the way he grins sends a chill down your spine.

"What an idiot," he sneers, gesturing to Dave's corpse. "He knew better. Didn't he? And yet he died for you. And now he can never come back. That's why they were all. So. Very. Very. Stupid."

He's trying to bait you. If you rise to the challenge, if you attack him first in hopes of taking revenge, that will count as heroic, won't it? Or if not that, then it will be self-defense when he shoots you, you think, and that will count as just. That's probably how Jake went out, you only now realize. How like him. So you don't react; you just glare daggers at him as you attempt to come up with a plan. You wish you knew more about how the rules worked. If only Rose were alive. If only...

There's a warp as if in the fabric of space itself, and he's suddenly several feet closer to you. If Calliope was their session's Space player, he must be a Time player, and that's how he did Jade in. The pieces fall into place a little too late. You've finally got yourself a beautiful thousand-piece puzzle portrait of horses galloping majestically in the wind, and nobody to show it to.

undyingUmbrage opens fire, and you don't even have time to flash-step. You collapse, and though the pain is overwhelming you refuse to scream. You won't give him the satisfaction.

"I'm going-- to come back--" you gasp out as your vision fades.

"I know. I'm looking forward to it." He steps closer, leans down and places the barrel of his machine gun under your chin to tilt your face upward. "We are going. To have so much fun."

His deranged laughter is the last thing you hear before you succumb to the first of many deaths.


End file.
